Sometimes, we intervene to help out a friend, or an acquaintance, to ‘put out a fire’ in their lives, and provide help in an urgent situation of need, – but we are not builders. Firemen are not asked to build up the house, after they have put out the fire. They know what they are good at, and they give help in that capacity. They act effectively and efficiently in that capacity – and that is all that can be asked of them, but there is only so much they can, and will do. They set their limits and stick to them. They are busy people. They saved the house and the contents as much as they could. They gave their all, but they have to protect themselves first. They have a lot of other people who also need their help.  That is the first rule of First Aid: Protect yourself first: If you are injured, you cannot help others. Firemen know this, and so they put out the fire, and then they leave. They know that other services will step up, and help out in the re-construction procedure.

Sometimes we need to learn to be the same. Sometimes friends ask us for help in an emergency, and then continue to pull the alarm cord repeatedly, or for a long time after, because we helped out the first time. ‘Being a fireman’ to a friend is fine, but the relationship can only stay healthy, if this one way of helping stays well defined, is appreciated for its real worth, and it stops there.  Everything has an expiry date. If you do decide to ‘be a fireman’ for a friend, apply the rule of First Aid.  You have lots of people dependent on you too. Decide for yourself what your limits are, why you are setting them the way you set them and express them clearly with diplomacy from the outset. If you decide you will help ‘fight this fire’ do so, but you cannot keep putting out fires in the other person’s life. 

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

This comes from repeated personal experience. Sometimes, setting boundaries is not easy. Sometimes saying ‘no’* or putting yourself (and/or your loved ones first) is difficult. Setting boundaries is like a muscle. It gets developed with use, and sometimes using this ‘muscle’ and saying no is very difficult, but you can get better at it.

P.S.: ‘No’ is a complete answer! 

Let me know if this helped you.