It is hard to imagine it has already been a little over 17 years since we broke up. For more than 10 years, somewhere in my heart, you resided – taking up a space, decorated with memories and feelings. I want to thank you – although you probably don’t remember me – for being the catalyst that let me feel things I had never felt before, or since. A feeling of such deep love, deep longing, almost to obsession. Our ‘You + Me’ dynamic introduced me to a way of feeling I didn’t think existed. I thought people made it up. I didn’t think such joy, such wellbeing through and with another person, was possible.
We weren’t meant to be. Time has passed and I see it clearly, but I will never forget you because you brought a part of me alive that I cherish; and now I can have hope to live that again, with someone new. Someone else I can invest in totally, someone who will give it back in equal measure. It took a decade, but slowly but surely, I packed the memories and feelings of you away in little boxes in the attic of my bruised and battered heart. I made the repairs: I strengthen the walls of my heart and make it beautiful again.
What I felt for you was so intense, I could not release it all at once. It would have been like pulling my own arm off. No. I had to release this ever so gently. Tiny bit by tiny bit. There is no anesthetic for such loss. But ‘2024’ me, is not ‘2007’ me, and she has lived through far worse. It took a decade to understand that I would overcome, even if there was a small trickle of blood, leaking from my heart where I passed. The pain was so intense for a long time, I felt like it must have been visible for all to see.
Photo by Emma Hayes on Unsplash
Today, I can say: J … I loved you, and I release you from my life. I want the best for you. Be well.
‘The Vedic sages were the first to map a path to love which they called ‘Sadhana’. A path implies a beginning and an end. In this case the beginning is a reality in which love is longed for but uncertain, swamped by fear and anger, overwhelmed by the counterforce of hatred. The end is a reality where nothing exists but love.
What remains now is the deepest healing of all, the healing of love.’
Deepak Chopra in his book: The Path to Love.